Lenten journey

As Lent approached, I found myself in a very interesting place. I was at peace in some ways, but knew that some of it was actually bordering on contentment. And it was a contentment with which I was actually a bit uncomfortable. I always look at ways to make positive changes during the Lenten season. The former rector of my (former) parish used to encourage us to take on something new rather than giving up something for Lent. I looked deep within myself and later talked to S about the things I was considering.

I have always been a bit of a "go-getter" in my relationships. I take initiative, almost to a fault. I assert myself. I prioritize relationships...all of my relationships...because I am a people person, because I value relationships of all types in my life, because I am who I am.

However, I am learning that I do not want nor can I afford to be a low priority to someone else. I don't expect every person to put as much into a relationship or to value quality time in the same ways I do. I am unique. I know this. I accept this. I love this about myself. Still, I deserved to be valued and I deserve better than to be a low priority. I do not have to be a top priority, but I will not accept being a low priority or an accessory (of sorts). With that in mind, I began to wrap my mind around my Lenten commitment.

I made the decision to be somewhat less assertive in certain relationships in my life. I sought to essentially remove myself from the "driver's seat" and focus that energy in other areas. This, has been a new journey of trust for me. It has also been rather consuming emotionally. I struggle daily with aspects of this. I also find myself in prayer more. I make myself available, but I do not push to initiate contact. The goal here was two-fold. One, to try something new to better myself by way of challenging myself. Two, to channel that go-getter energy into some more...to focus on my writing and to make myself a better and better educator. I am doing that. But I still struggle with it. And, in my struggles, I find that I have yet to fully and effectively channel that energy elsewhere. Tonight is the first night I have really taken the time to sit down and write and sort through some of these thoughts. I will continue to work on this part of it. I need to.

I have learned that I did not win an essay contest I entered back in December. My goal with this essay contest was to do my best, to hope for the best, to win...but in the event I did not win, then I knew I would take that essay and seek other means of publication. That begins now One idea I have is to incorporate it into one of the books I am working on this year. I thought, initially, that it would tie into the book I am working on with S. What I have realized tonight is that it will most likely be incorporated into the other book I want to begin this year, the one that will require more time and research to complete. I feel very good about this. This gives me a good starting point, which I was likely lacking prior to learning that I did not win the essay contest. However, this book will be yet another journey of trust.

God is busy at work in my life. there is much that I need to do to see things through, to discover what path I am on and to make this journey. However, the first big step is trusting God.

It is easy enough to say that I trust Him. It is far more difficult to put that trust into action. One day at a time. One moment at a time. I can do this.

And so can you.

Where do you see the biggest need for trust in your life today?