Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Finding peace

I applied for countless full time teaching jobs. I started early and I continued the process through the end of June. I work as a half-time elementary school teacher. I love my school, the students, the families, my colleagues. I have had wonderful opportunities. On the flip side of this, I need to support my family. So, I started the application process. I essentially made an almost full-time job out of looking and applying for jobs while still working. I struggled with not getting called for interviews. I struggled even more with the occasional rejection letter. I've watched friends get jobs. I've watched other friends have similar struggles to mine. Teaching and getting teaching jobs takes patience and diligence among other things. The market is flooded with teachers looking for work as school districts go through layoffs each years. I could have let this process consume me. However, I chose peace. It took time, but I found peace.

I have gratitude for having a job. I have even more gratitude for having a job at a school I love. I knew that returning to this school would bless me and be a blessing to others. I give thanks for the opportunity to return. I will continue working half-time and do so happily. This summer, I have had a chance to focus on my writing projects and I look forward to the opportunity to spend some time writing each day even after I return to work in August. This all falls within my trust journey.

I have trusted that God would put me where I need to be, when I need to be there. Things have become clearer for me over the past couple of months, allowing me to find peace with where I am and where I am going.

Thanks be to God!

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Trusting the goal

I am a goal setter. Typically, when I set goals, I also outline ways to tend them. Essentially, I know I need to do what I can to make the goal become reality.

This spring, I had a goal make itself. As far as I know, the thought perhaps emerged from some of my thinking, my hopes, my dreams, but I see the goal as something that planned itself. Honestly, I struggle to see how or why I would make the goal myself. Looking back on Shannah's last post from April, I think it follows that well.

It is a trust issue. I believe the goal came from my heart and I believe that God essentially set the goal for me. Now, I even have a couple of my friends who believe the goal to be possible AND within my reach. They trust that I will make it happen.

There are other people, other factors, other everything at play here. But for now, I simply must trust that this goal was placed on my heart for a reason and that it is an obtainable goal.

This goal involves love. I struggle with the idea and concept of love. I know love exists. I trust the love of my family and of my close friends. I trust the love I have for them. I trust the love that I see among certain couples, including my parents. I struggle with the idea that love, romantic love, is to be a part of my life, my future. So, to obtain this goal, I must rediscover and develop trust in love.

This week, I have worked to that end. I am reading more about love. I am exploring what others have to say about love. I do it some for a book I am working on and some to help develop the faith, hope, and trust that I need to see love become fully a part of my life.

The first thing I turned to was I Corinthians 13:
"Faith, hope, and love; abide these three, and the greatest is love."

The GREATEST is LOVE!
That, I trust.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

God, Can You Hear Me?

Ramblings for today…

One of the best things that has happened to me in the last 5 years has been the re-emergence of my faith. I’ve always believed, but honestly, there were times when belief was hard. And, there still are times when I’m believing and things just seem to get more complicated (and more complicated)!

Remember that great, yet oh so overused line, “can you hear me now"? That’s how I feel about God sometimes. I want to say, “I’m sorry, but your line is breaking up…cause I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”

This is the faith question I’ve always stumbled on: how do you know when you are hearing God’s voice, and not your own nonsense, or something else? The bible says, “trust”, so I trust. Am I trusting too much, too little, just enough?

Maybe God’s just trying to tell me to upgrade my phone plan, plug in my earphones, and just listen!

xo,
Shannah

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Mountain of trust

I followed through my Lenten journey and it became easier, yet more challenging as it went on. I felt extremely challenged, but at peace with the challenges I faced. I prayed, a lot. I prayed, hard. I spent my hour of Holy Watch praying in the chapel. I also wrote. I just put my notebook and pen in front of me and wrote, and prayed, and wrote. Everything kept coming back to one word: trust. Trust Him. Trust God. Trust.

When I encountered struggles that I was unsure how to face, I asked for intercessory prayer. I turned primarily to Saint Raphael, archangel. Resulting from that, I have also started reading the Apocryphal text The Book of Tobit. Going into Easter weekend, I was more at peace with my Lenten journey, but still had some struggles. The day we were to leave on a camping trip, it seemed one thing after another slowed things down. I wasn't sure we would make it in time to set camp before dark. But, we did.

Saturday morning, as I fished with CD, I looked over and talked to someone I had never before met. From the moment I first looked at him, I knew he was special and meant to play some role in my life. I don't know how I knew, but I knew. Instantly. I still don't know what exactly the role he is to play, but I am even more confident that there is a place and a reason.

We ended up having a fantastic weekend! I don't know that I can adequately describe it all. But, it was awesome, in the truest sense of the word. Yet, there were moments of extreme struggle for me.

After dropping CD and Miss Hollywood off at home with my parents, I returned for one last night of camping. When I arrived, I ran over a rock. It was not a small rock by any stretch of the imagination. No, this was a huge rock and my car got stuck. First, I used some choice words. Then, I thought clearly and said, "well, there is nothing that can be done tonight." Then I vented, screamed my frustration with friends. Eventually, I made my way to bed that night. Around 6 a.m. the next day, I awoke. I had tossed and turned for about an hour before that. I was on the verge of a full-on panic attack. I got up, walked, cried. I prayed a lot. I walked some more, cried some more, prayed some more. And then I found enough peace that I was able to return to sleep for an hour or so.

As I got going for the day, I walked toward a large boulder. It is a boulder where children play. Earlier in the weekend, I found myself hovering over and worrying about my kids. I told myself to chill out, stop hovering, and trust that they would be ok. As I walked in the direction of that boulder now two days later, I very clearly heard (in my head), "Trust me." I truly believe God was speaking directly to me in that moment. Again, it all came back to trust. I absolutely, positively needed to trust God.

Later, as a small group of good people worked to get my car off the rock, I left for a hike. I hiked hard. And, I talked some more with God. I cried, a lot. I released so many tears, so much frustration, so much fear, and worry, and concern, and even anger. I questioned my path. I wondered if i had taken a wrong step, gone the wrong way, veered off from where I was supposed to be. I asked what I was doing wrong, what I needed to do differently. I walked across a huge open field toward one of the most incredible views I've ever experienced. As I neared the edge, I picked up a rock. I sat down overlooking a river (that really is quite a ways away). As I sat, I talked and cried some more. I told God I knew I needed to let go. I had to fully release some things. And then, I sat, silent. I felt myself letting go of some things. A peace came over me. And, in that moment, I knew it wasn't just me handing things over, but God taking them from me. When I felt as if I had finally let some of the things go that needed to GO, I stood up and threw the rock as hard and as far as I could. Then, I turned around and walked back across the field and down the hillside. My car was off the rock. The rock was out of the ground. Camp was being packed up. It was time to move forward.

"TRUST ME"

I drove my car down the hill and straight to my mechanic. There were issues, as it turned out. There were even repeat issues completely unrelated to that rock and suddenly, I found myself having to meet a goal much sooner than the date I had originally set. I had to start looking for a new-to-me vehicle. I won't lie, there were moments of extreme frustration. However, I worked to follow the instructions that I had clearly been given. I trusted God. I ended up finding precisely the vehicle that best fits our small family and our activities. It also fits my personality. It was a step in trust.

During the past week, I was having a chat conversation with my new friend. It lasted for over two hours and in that time, he challenged me to set a date for another goal of mine. (This being more of a life goal than a more "immediate" goal.) I opened up my notebook and just by chance turned to the page where I had made notes on Maundy (Holy) Thursday. There it was: Trust God. The word trust repeats more times than I can count. It's all about trust. I must trust. I do trust. I can trust more fully. I certainly am a "work in progress." But, I set that goal.

I am seeing many doors open, many opportunities present themselves. There is so much that is mine to work for and look forward to and achieve. But, I'm not sure which doors I will actually step through. No matter what, above all, I am prepared to put all that I can into whichever door, or doors, God leads me to enter. This whole trust thing is hard. I am still struggling with it. But something happened up on that mountain and a shift occurred and my life has certainly taken yet another positive turn. The more I trust Him, the more I see things happening. I am surrounding myself with incredible, amazing, loving, positive people who also set and achieve goals. The more I do that, the better I feel. The more I cut negativity from my life, the better I feel. And so, I will trust Him and continue on this path. Such amazing things are ahead, but I must first trust Him fully.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Lenten Journey Part 2

Over the weekend, Forward Day by Day posted this (on Facebook):
The Lenten season is a long, slow walk evoking feelings of darkness, despair, and loneliness. We are confronted with images that can appall us and make us look away. But it is in the willingness to stay on this difficult trail that we gain strength for life. It is by this new strength that we are comforted and have the will to wait patiently for God. Therein, I pray, lies the answer. In the end, by God’s strength, I will wait patiently.

What struck me most about this was the "loneliness."

I had never felt that before (during a Lenten journey), but early last week, I did. In fact, I even texted S late one night and expressed some of my feelings, my struggles and summed it up with my feelings of loneliness. In taking on something new, combined with giving something up, I am finding that I am indeed going through all kinds of emotions as I continue to keep faith and trust in God. This is, by far, the most difficult Lenten season I have ever experienced and I can feel myself growing. I still have a long ways to go, though.

Praying for patience is something I learned NOT to do long ago. I do, however, believe that having faith in myself and committing myself to waiting patiently is something I can do. It won't be easy. But, as Philippians 4:13 tells us, "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." So really, the faith in myself comes from my faith in and resulting strength from God. In trusting God, I also have to trust myself. I cannot do it without Him, obviously.

I can do it. You can do it. Let's do it. "In the end, by God's strength, I will wait patiently."

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Lenten journey

As Lent approached, I found myself in a very interesting place. I was at peace in some ways, but knew that some of it was actually bordering on contentment. And it was a contentment with which I was actually a bit uncomfortable. I always look at ways to make positive changes during the Lenten season. The former rector of my (former) parish used to encourage us to take on something new rather than giving up something for Lent. I looked deep within myself and later talked to S about the things I was considering.

I have always been a bit of a "go-getter" in my relationships. I take initiative, almost to a fault. I assert myself. I prioritize relationships...all of my relationships...because I am a people person, because I value relationships of all types in my life, because I am who I am.

However, I am learning that I do not want nor can I afford to be a low priority to someone else. I don't expect every person to put as much into a relationship or to value quality time in the same ways I do. I am unique. I know this. I accept this. I love this about myself. Still, I deserved to be valued and I deserve better than to be a low priority. I do not have to be a top priority, but I will not accept being a low priority or an accessory (of sorts). With that in mind, I began to wrap my mind around my Lenten commitment.

I made the decision to be somewhat less assertive in certain relationships in my life. I sought to essentially remove myself from the "driver's seat" and focus that energy in other areas. This, has been a new journey of trust for me. It has also been rather consuming emotionally. I struggle daily with aspects of this. I also find myself in prayer more. I make myself available, but I do not push to initiate contact. The goal here was two-fold. One, to try something new to better myself by way of challenging myself. Two, to channel that go-getter energy into some more...to focus on my writing and to make myself a better and better educator. I am doing that. But I still struggle with it. And, in my struggles, I find that I have yet to fully and effectively channel that energy elsewhere. Tonight is the first night I have really taken the time to sit down and write and sort through some of these thoughts. I will continue to work on this part of it. I need to.

I have learned that I did not win an essay contest I entered back in December. My goal with this essay contest was to do my best, to hope for the best, to win...but in the event I did not win, then I knew I would take that essay and seek other means of publication. That begins now One idea I have is to incorporate it into one of the books I am working on this year. I thought, initially, that it would tie into the book I am working on with S. What I have realized tonight is that it will most likely be incorporated into the other book I want to begin this year, the one that will require more time and research to complete. I feel very good about this. This gives me a good starting point, which I was likely lacking prior to learning that I did not win the essay contest. However, this book will be yet another journey of trust.

God is busy at work in my life. there is much that I need to do to see things through, to discover what path I am on and to make this journey. However, the first big step is trusting God.

It is easy enough to say that I trust Him. It is far more difficult to put that trust into action. One day at a time. One moment at a time. I can do this.

And so can you.

Where do you see the biggest need for trust in your life today?

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Food for thought: Beginning the journey

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight."

Proverbs 3:5-6

This is one of the greatest, most powerful Bible verses for me right now. And, it is a bit difficult to process and follow at times. Trusting the Lord with all our hearts? How do we do that? More importantly, how do we do it fully and effectively?

But, we must. If we are to see the fruits of our labor, we must trust our labor to the Lord. That is not to say that God will just hand things over to us if and when we turn things over to him and trust Him. We still have a part in this. Just as Peter had to step out of the boat onto the water, we must take steps in faith. We are called to trust. We are called to have faith. Faith and trust will work together to glorify God and in doing so will benefit us.

From Casting Crowns' "Voice of Truth": Oh what I would do to have, The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in, Onto the crashing waves, To step out of my comfort zone, To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is, And He's holding out his hand, But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me, Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed, The waves they keep on telling me, Time and time again. 'Boy, you'll never win!', "You'll never win", But the voice of truth tells me a different story, And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!", And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory", Out of all the voices calling out to me, I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth...

In 2003, I did a mission trip to Santiago de Chile. While there, I "received" a Bible verse from a young woman with the spiritual gift of knowledge. It was an interesting experience to go through receiving this verse. I have since found that countless people hold this verse very dear to their hearts. However, it will always and forever have special meaning to me and I am tying it in with some of the writing I am doing now post-divorce.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Reading that renews my faith and reminds me of why I need to trust God. I hope it will do the same for others.

To end this kick-off to our blogging journey of trust, I leave you with this quote:
“We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy” - Walter Anderson

Perhaps we can pick up with that quote in a future blog post.

And lastly, a bit of a lullaby to end this late night: