I followed through my Lenten journey and it became easier, yet more challenging as it went on. I felt extremely challenged, but at peace with the challenges I faced. I prayed, a lot. I prayed, hard. I spent my hour of Holy Watch praying in the chapel. I also wrote. I just put my notebook and pen in front of me and wrote, and prayed, and wrote. Everything kept coming back to one word: trust. Trust Him. Trust God. Trust.
When I encountered struggles that I was unsure how to face, I asked for intercessory prayer. I turned primarily to Saint Raphael, archangel. Resulting from that, I have also started reading the Apocryphal text The Book of Tobit. Going into Easter weekend, I was more at peace with my Lenten journey, but still had some struggles. The day we were to leave on a camping trip, it seemed one thing after another slowed things down. I wasn't sure we would make it in time to set camp before dark. But, we did.
Saturday morning, as I fished with CD, I looked over and talked to someone I had never before met. From the moment I first looked at him, I knew he was special and meant to play some role in my life. I don't know how I knew, but I knew. Instantly. I still don't know what exactly the role he is to play, but I am even more confident that there is a place and a reason.
We ended up having a fantastic weekend! I don't know that I can adequately describe it all. But, it was awesome, in the truest sense of the word. Yet, there were moments of extreme struggle for me.
After dropping CD and Miss Hollywood off at home with my parents, I returned for one last night of camping. When I arrived, I ran over a rock. It was not a small rock by any stretch of the imagination. No, this was a huge rock and my car got stuck. First, I used some choice words. Then, I thought clearly and said, "well, there is nothing that can be done tonight." Then I vented, screamed my frustration with friends. Eventually, I made my way to bed that night. Around 6 a.m. the next day, I awoke. I had tossed and turned for about an hour before that. I was on the verge of a full-on panic attack. I got up, walked, cried. I prayed a lot. I walked some more, cried some more, prayed some more. And then I found enough peace that I was able to return to sleep for an hour or so.
As I got going for the day, I walked toward a large boulder. It is a boulder where children play. Earlier in the weekend, I found myself hovering over and worrying about my kids. I told myself to chill out, stop hovering, and trust that they would be ok. As I walked in the direction of that boulder now two days later, I very clearly heard (in my head), "Trust me." I truly believe God was speaking directly to me in that moment. Again, it all came back to trust. I absolutely, positively needed to trust God.
Later, as a small group of good people worked to get my car off the rock, I left for a hike. I hiked hard. And, I talked some more with God. I cried, a lot. I released so many tears, so much frustration, so much fear, and worry, and concern, and even anger. I questioned my path. I wondered if i had taken a wrong step, gone the wrong way, veered off from where I was supposed to be. I asked what I was doing wrong, what I needed to do differently. I walked across a huge open field toward one of the most incredible views I've ever experienced. As I neared the edge, I picked up a rock. I sat down overlooking a river (that really is quite a ways away). As I sat, I talked and cried some more. I told God I knew I needed to let go. I had to fully release some things. And then, I sat, silent. I felt myself letting go of some things. A peace came over me. And, in that moment, I knew it wasn't just me handing things over, but God taking them from me. When I felt as if I had finally let some of the things go that needed to GO, I stood up and threw the rock as hard and as far as I could. Then, I turned around and walked back across the field and down the hillside. My car was off the rock. The rock was out of the ground. Camp was being packed up. It was time to move forward.
"TRUST ME"
I drove my car down the hill and straight to my mechanic. There were issues, as it turned out. There were even repeat issues completely unrelated to that rock and suddenly, I found myself having to meet a goal much sooner than the date I had originally set. I had to start looking for a new-to-me vehicle. I won't lie, there were moments of extreme frustration. However, I worked to follow the instructions that I had clearly been given. I trusted God. I ended up finding precisely the vehicle that best fits our small family and our activities. It also fits my personality. It was a step in trust.
During the past week, I was having a chat conversation with my new friend. It lasted for over two hours and in that time, he challenged me to set a date for another goal of mine. (This being more of a life goal than a more "immediate" goal.) I opened up my notebook and just by chance turned to the page where I had made notes on Maundy (Holy) Thursday. There it was: Trust God. The word trust repeats more times than I can count. It's all about trust. I must trust. I do trust. I can trust more fully. I certainly am a "work in progress." But, I set that goal.
I am seeing many doors open, many opportunities present themselves. There is so much that is mine to work for and look forward to and achieve. But, I'm not sure which doors I will actually step through. No matter what, above all, I am prepared to put all that I can into whichever door, or doors, God leads me to enter. This whole trust thing is hard. I am still struggling with it. But something happened up on that mountain and a shift occurred and my life has certainly taken yet another positive turn. The more I trust Him, the more I see things happening. I am surrounding myself with incredible, amazing, loving, positive people who also set and achieve goals. The more I do that, the better I feel. The more I cut negativity from my life, the better I feel. And so, I will trust Him and continue on this path. Such amazing things are ahead, but I must first trust Him fully.
